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04 The Rabbit Hole: Happy Sad, Part 1

Updated: Apr 6

  • Singing along to"Lookout Kid" by Arcade Fire. This has become my personal ode to Xander. I play it everyday.

"Lookout kid, trust your heart. You don't have to play the part they wrote for you. Just be true. There are things that you can do. That no one else on earth could ever do. But I can't teach you, I can't teach it to you." Song lyrics credit: Unconditional I (Lookout Kid) by Arcade Fire Photo credit: by Janko Ferlić @itfeelslikefilm
"Lookout kid, trust your heart. You don't have to play the part they wrote for you. Just be true. There are things that you can do. That no one else on earth could ever do. But I can't teach you, I can't teach it to you." Song lyrics credit: Unconditional I (Lookout Kid) by Arcade Fire Photo credit: by Janko Ferlić @itfeelslikefilm

• Ordering a chicken breast and avocado sandwich with French fries at the Deli. Because this was his favorite and we liked to go pick up sandwiches for lunch on Saturday, after his art class ended.



Some of the stuffies in Xander's room — there are so many more.
Some of the stuffies in Xander's room — there are so many more.

• Installing a trio of book shelves to display his stuffed animals. Just a select few of them, the showcase animals. There are dragons and big eyed puppies, a Valentine’s themed, pink and red accented axolotol. I rotate them in and out with the hundreds of other stuffies gathered atop his dresser, piled onto his bedspread. Even more stuffed animals some of the biggest plushest ones, filled 365 days in .. the toy bin that Xander would sometimes sink into — this was his comfort space.



Frosty Falls
Frosty Falls

• Soaking up the window displays of Studio Claremont and thinking, which would be most like Xander’s? This month they built a Christmas Village with a miniature “Welcome to Frosty Falls” billboard. There is a three story Victorian gingerbread house, complete with candied windows, and a frosted roof, gingerbread Christmas trees and an ice rink. Gingerbread people are everywhere. What would Xander's look like? I imagine it would be on the ice wearing a blue coat and red scarf, with silver skates and a big smile on its face.



• Telling Xander about my day (the good parts version) because he will forever be nine years old to me, and that’s an age for adventure, mischief and wonder. I talk to him like he’s with me. And so…


I tell him how I’ve been, tell him what I’ve seen. I wait for his reaction, his questions. Like, does he agree with me about the Gingerbread person? What would he have done different? No I don’t see him or hear him, not out loud not a whisper. Xander’s words come to me and when they do, when I’m really attuned, calm, and in the moment, I like to believe that he is with me.  I get so immersed in it that it’s like he’s talking my head off. I answer his what if questions, one after the other, just like I used to only now — have you ever laugh-cried when you talk?


I hope what I perceive is real, not a figment of my imagination, not magical thinking or an intimately crafted exercise in self delusion. Because if it’s not, well, he’s not and…

I need to believe that Xander goes on.

 
 
 

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