One: Ordinary Day

Sofia and Xander's script books for Matilda Jr.

The unthought-of assumption in the Cervantes household was that July 27th, 2023 was going to be an ordinary Thursday. This does not mean it was going to be a dull day. In fact it was expected to be a very busy day, especially for Xander and Sofia. If everything went according to plan, it would culminate with an aquatics award earned, a stage performance of Matilda, roundly applauded by a packed theater. But even if the accolades fell short or the theater was only half full and the applause scattered, it wouldn’t matter. After the hours of practice and hard work they’d put in, Xander and Sofia would have bestowed themselves with a sense of accomplishment. The fulfillment of a job well done. As their parents, Jane and I would have been proud. This ordinary achievement, in the scope of the world, so momentous to us. It was going to be a good day, until it wasn’t. Xander died the next morning.

It will always baffle me how a seemingly healthy nine year old could just suddenly and unexpectedly die. Xander had never been seriously ill, never broke a bone in his body, he didn’t suffer as much as a single earache growing up and elicited no red flags at his annual doctor visits, no abnormal heartbeat detected, no unusual blood sugar levels, no freak accident. He just didn’t wake up. The only thing in the realm of silver lining that I can say about his passing is, wait — is there anything? That he passed away peacefully in his sleep? Nope. Maybe if he was ninety-nine or I’d even take thirty-nine, considering. So let me rephrase. Of minor solace, is that I can say with a great deal of certainty, that Xander’s last full day of life was a good one, for all of us, his mama Jane, his sister Sofia, his brother Kai and for his dad Sergio, that’s me. Let me take you back with us…

It was agreed that on Wednesday evening, Jane would go to the studio to watch Xander and Sofia perform in Matilda and that I would stay home with our then two year old son, Kai, and that we’d flip roles on Thursday. Prior to that, the kids would boomerang between us. In the morning, Jane took all of them with her to drop Sofia off at dance practice. When they returned home, Jane made Xander a peanut butter sandwich. He spent the morning playing Roblox and engaged in his latest obsession, reading and watching shows about strange and unusual animals. There were white furred ghost bats, long snouted goblin sharks, vampire tetra fish of the Amazon, who at four feet long, with a pair of six inch fangs sprouting from their bottom lip, rendered piranhas meek in comparison, and demon mole rats adorned with a coat of plush, poofy fur, and despite their lack of eyes, are arguably, unconventionally adorable.

In the afternoon, Jane dropped Xander off with me at The Claremont Club, and I took him to the pool for his swimming lesson. Over the summer, Xander had grown adept at holding his breath underwater, he’d developed a strong, graceful backstroke, but still struggled to swim freestyle. Jane suggested getting private lessons for Xander. I agreed that this would help him to round out his skill set, plus it would be fun for me to take him to the pool on Saturday mornings. I could lounge by the pool and engage in all kinds of nothing much, while Xander enjoyed the water. I imagine that after the lesson there would be treats, strawberry popsicles or smoothies. Then we would spend an hour at the retro arcade —unlimited play for $10. We might start with Super Mario Brothers, and then face off in the Marvel vs. Capcom fighting game, pitting Spider-Man against Mega-Man. As of late, we had been playing The Simpsons video game, the objective was for Homer, Marge, Lisa and Bart to fight their way through Springfield to — no one really knows the reason why and we didn't care. All I know is that Xander would always choose Bart and I would usually use Homer, respectively wielding a skateboard and doughy fists as our weapons of choice. One time, Xander, with a sly smile on his face said,

“Dad, you should use Marge and I’ll use Lisa.”

“Instead of Homer and Bart?”

“No. At the same time!”

Rotating between characters, we now attacked angry townsfolk, zombies and goons, with a mad flurry of skateboard strikes, vacuum jabs, jumprope whips and Homerian haymakers vanquishing bosses in the form of a Krusty the Clown Balloon, an angry bear and a giant, malevolent, bowling ball. It was rumored that the Final Boss was Mr. Burns, aided by his trusty sidekick Smithers and armored up with some sort of wonky or maybe janky, technology. One day we would find the resolve to reach the final level, but not that day, because we were getting super hungry. We went to The Deli for sandwiches. I would order a pastrami dip, sea salt and vinegar chips and iced tea. Xander would get a turkey sandwich, french fries and fruit punch and then we would talk about what were going to do next. Sometimes we would go home, draw mythical creatures and watch a movie together.

Xander and I agreed that this wooden T-Rex would be a excellent replacement for the cardboard T-Rex that we, through no fault of our own, destroyed. The museum guards disagreed.

One time we assembled a cardboard T-Rex head with moveable jaws that was so big that we reconfigured it into a mask and took turns chasing each other around the house trying to chomp each other with it.

To get back to "the day", once Xander’s swim lesson ended we figured that we had maybe an hour before his mom would come to pick him up to take him to theater rehearsal. And so we went to the family pool to continue swimming. I wanted to continue reading Goblin, a horror novel stitched together in six novellas, so Xander went swimming in the shallow end on his own, while I lounged poolside. The novella within the novel that I was reading, was about a man who feared that he was cursed to literally be scared to death by a vengeful spirit. He just didn’t know when. After about five minutes Xander called out to me.

“Dad, swim with me.”

So I did.

Xander practicing his Spidey moves between swims. He's team Holland, I'm team Tobey. We both love Shameik Moore (aka Miles Morales). No one is team Garfield.

We swam out to the middle of the pool. Xander by backstroke, me propelling myself off the pool wall, gliding underwater. I had Xander practice floating on his back. Just a few weeks ago this had been a struggle, but now he performed this feat effortlessly. This made sense, being that Xander had practically lived in the pool all summer. Not only did he have swim lessons four days a week for mid June to the end of July, but he loved swimming and as such, Jane or I almost always took him to the family pool after. His time in sun and water was further evidenced by his complexion, which had deepened from a latte hued mid-beige to a fully roasted brown. We stretched our arms out to compare.

“You’re as dark as me little guy. Maybe darker.”

“I am!” Xander said and smiled.

We’d crafted our own aquatic games. There was the shark attack, in which I’d start anywhere from a couple of body lengths away to halfway across the pool from Xander. As the shark, I would try to “eat him” before he made his escape from the water. Chase and chomp games were a thing with us. There was the dolphin sprint, in which I’d coil my legs against the pool wall, Xander’s arms wrapped around my upper torso just below the neck, and then I would spring forward jetting and twisting through the water. Sometimes Xander would hold tight and sometimes he was flung off, laughing as he hurtled wildly through the water. Sometimes we’d go to the deep end and attempt a deep dive. We’d launch ourselves much like we do in the dolphin sprint, only straight downward, Xander trying his hardest to hang on, blowing out air in an effort to keep water from shooting up his nose. We never quite touched bottom at the deepest part of the pool together, but we’d improved and made it down to about seven feet. Seven of nine, nearly there.

After swimming we decided to buy popsicles. Only the line was long and his mom arrived early, so he went to get treats with her instead and she took him to the theater to get ready to perform. Prior to the show, he got into costume, and rehearsed for his role, as part of the ensemble for Matilda. Jane watched the show that night and I would later watch it on video. Although Sofia had a bigger role in the show, it was Xander who was more visible on stage.

Sofia says this was her Hamilton pose, with her fist raised, skyward gaze and big smile. She thinks it's cringe. I really, really like it.

Whether this was due to ordering the cast members by height or luck of the draw, which put him front and center in the ensemble or the fact that the pants for his costume were too large and he had to keep pulling them up, you could pick Xander out with ease. Jane told me that Xander was so excited to be a part of the cast, that he talked her head off about the show, on the way there. After the show, she expected that his long day of swimming and performing would have worn him out, but it didn't. This took Jane a little by surprise, because while his sister Sofia was used to spending long hours at a performance, this was a first for Xander but on the drive home, he was still abuzz with energy — he just wanted to keep talking. Xander asked Jane,

“How long was I there?”

“You were there five and a half hours".

"And how long was I swimming?

"I'd say about 90 minutes. That’s a long time.”

“ It is! But it didn’t feel like it.”

Xander got home late, after ten. He came into my bedroom, gave me a hug and asked if we could watch a show together.

“Something we both like,” Xander said.

I told him it was too late to start a show, bit we could read a book together. He agreed that that would be good too, because this is something we did most nights, before going to sleep. We decided on The Land of Stories: A Classic Fairy Tale Collection, which we had checked out from the library. We took turn reading passages of the Little Mermaid aloud. It was nothing like the Disney movie, in this short story, the little mermaid turned into sea foam and died. The end.

"...her body turned into sea foam just as the Sea Witch had warned her. However she did not cease to exist...The Little Mermaid's spirit lived on, traveling across the ocean to help those in need and guiding young people away from making mistakes similar to her own." -The Land of Stories: A Classic Fairy Tale Collection, by Chris Colfer

“Whoa. I didn’t expect that.” I said.

“The dark twist? I knew it was going to happen!”

“What? How did you know that kid?”

“At school. The teacher read us another fairy tale from the same book, Hansel and Gretel. I read the Little Mermaid on my own later.”

“Let me guess. Hansel and Gretel were baked into the witch’s pie.”

“What the weird? No! They outsmarted the witch and pushed her into the oven. I thought you knew that.”

“I do but, I thought there would be another dark twist.”

“No. Sometimes the good guys win.”

“Got it.” I gave Xander a hug.

“I’m getting sleepy, you ready for bed?”

“Can we read one more, please?”

We read The Three Billygoats Gruff. I told Xander that in first grade, we performed a puppet show based on this story. I got to play the big billy goat, who rammed the troll off of the bridge. Xander thought that was a clever move by the big goat, and that this collection of fairytales was fire. He wanted to have a copy of the book after we returned it to the library, that way we could read the books whenever we wanted to. So we made plans to go to the bookstore over the weekend and buy a copy of our own. On most nights I tuck Xander in, but I was really tired that night, so when Jane offered to tuck him, I was good with it. So I hugged Xander and as part of our nightly ritual we had this exchange which could begin with either of us. That night it began with Xander and he said…

“I love you daddy.”

“I love you little guy.”

“You’re the best.”

No you’re the best.”

Then Jane took Xander to his room to tuck him in. They hugged in bed, and talked about how much fun Xander had that day…

“And tomorrow is going to be just as good of a day too. You’ve got your swim lesson final and daddy is excited to see you perform in Matilda.”

“I’m excited too!”

And then she kissed Xander on his forehead and told him she loved him.

Jane was the last person to see Xander alive.

He didn't wake up.

***

Two months after he died, we still didn’t know what happened to Xander. From what we’d gathered, the odds are 80/20 that we never will. The Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC) Foundation advises us not to speculate, because it does us no good. This was a sentiment echoed by our family and friends. To follow this advice would be wise, logical, and my wife Jane and I knew this, we believed and acknowledged the wisdom of this. And then we speculated wildly to each other, anyway.

In his nine years on Earth, Xander has either been called or described as …

Little Guy

Mr. X

Xandy

Spider baby

No-no! Crazy-crazy! (This was said when he did his zany toddler, head dancing thing).

Cat Boy

Kid!

The kid with the super cute dimple

A handsome little guy

Huggy-Buggie

Glowing horn (aka his Roblox name)

So Smart

So Imaginative

He was brilliant

The creator of over one hundred new mythical creatures.

He was kind and empathetic.

The future wacky scientist…

…and movie maker…

…and just maybe the quantum physicist who first discovers portals to other dimensions?

Once he started talking, he didn’t have an off switch.

He was a charmer.

A gazillion ideas a minute, head talker-offer, who would create stories on the fly, spinning choose your own adventure style tales on the fly, twist-after-twist-after twist.

He was…

Mateo's fun cousin

Omar’s best friend

A grandson

Sofia’s little brother and sidekick

Kai’s big brother and role model

Sitay. (APronounced See-tay aka Kai’s name for Xander, because it was easier for him to say as a two-year old, with a caveat that one time, but only one once, little Kai called him Xander — clearly and decisively) but that’s another story. He was…

Our son

Jane’s cozy club member.

Xander was and always will be my little guy, my shadow, my best buddy. He always wanted to be with me, his daddy, and I loved being with him. One of my simplest joys was sitting with him as he drew pictures of his latest mythical creature, while we watched movies or streaming shows that “we both like” — and he would talk my head off.

I know Xander felt loved, but this doesn’t even begin to convey what he meant to me, his mama Jane, his big sister, Sofia and his little brother, Kai. Xander will always be with me, my beautiful boy. I’m lucky to have been his daddy, to have had him in my life.