SMS 23' | Afterlife

After Life

The last thing I can remember are my mom’s cold fingers wrapped around mine, as she mumbled words I couldn’t quite make out under her breath. Tears and begs filled the frigid hospital room. They say right before you die you see your life flash before your own very eyes, a collage of all your moments. I can say firsthand, that's not true. The only thing I saw was white, and now I'm here.

I stood, my shoulders held high. My stomach did flips and my headached, but I tried my best to hide it. I immediately felt uneasy and out of place but without a reason to feel that way.

“Alice Harper,” a voice in front of me roared, “Move up.”

I slowly walked onto the podium. I stumbled up three stairs on both sides of a large cement block. As I moved, the person behind me filled the spot I was once in. I grabbed onto the handrail, trailing my arm up as I approached the top. I took the time to note my surroundings, wishing I would have appreciated the little things more during my time on Earth. A long line, almost never ending, filled a black room. There were no windows or doors, and no end of the line in sight.

“Cmon now,” a lady sitting hunched over at a desk on the top of the podium snipped.

I stood up and walked over to her table. She doesn’t look up as I move closer. I fold my hands over one another and start to speak.

“Alice Harper,” I whisper, trying to gain the confidence to carry on.

“Yes, Yes. I’m checking the system,” the woman punches in some words into her computer and finally looks up.

“Where am I?” I say looking around.

“Oh honey, you’re okay,” she replies, sensing my nervousness, “You're dead, but you’re taken care of. Trust me.”

I slowly back away from the lady.

“You’ve passed away” the lady's tone changes as she begins to sound more positive, “But you're safe here and you get a second chance. ”

My body starts to ache, and my legs start to give out. My mind is almost fuzzy, and my eyes start to close.

Earth

I bite my lip, thinking of something to say.

“You’re a bad person Alice. I want that to stick. I want that to hurt, like you hurt me,” my mom yells.

“Please stop,” I mumble to myself, falling backwards into the couch with my arms crossed.

“What did you just say to me?” her tone grows cold, as tears start to form.

“You know what I said,'' I sulk and fall deeper into the couch.

“You didn’t come to your own father’s funeral, you didn't even feel the need to call. You’re our only daughter but more importantly you're your fathers only too,”

“My stomach hurt so I didn’t feel like going,” I explain, “It’s not like I would want to go anyway. He should never have been a father, he couldn’t sustain or afford anything for either of us.”

My mom looks up towards the ceilings, and back down at the carpet. She starts pacing the room, walking the length of our tiny living room. She starts to speak but barely has the strength to open her mouth.

“He was never their mom, we both can agree on that at least,” I groan. Until now I don't realize how much my relationship with my parents affects me.

“He was always there, you just never gave him your attention. He was always looking forward to seeing you graduate, and it broke him when you dropped out,” she hesitantly replies.

I turn away and look at the windows, the two large bay windows allowing air into our cramped condo. I slowly felt my eyes get heavy, as I slowly get up. Without looking at my mom I grab my car keys, lying on the dining room table. I quickly open the door and slam it shut, leaving my mom still standing speechless.

After Life

I slowly regain my vision. I haven't realized I’ve been standing silently for the past few minutes.

“Age and date of birth?” the woman says, still not looking up. Her glasses fall slightly off the tip of her nose and she reaches up her finger to fix them.

“Twenty, January 13,” I say. I have tried my best to remember, as I slowly stopped celebrating my birthdays as the years passed. Birthdays were just another reminder of another year of changing, an idea that always was uneasy.

Earth

I reach my car as my tears begin to fall. I drop my keys twice but successfully get inside and lock the doors. I place my hands on the steering wheel and put my legs on the seat. If my dad were here he would be scolding me for ruining the leather. If my mom were here she would be holding me and telling me everything would be okay. I wrap my arms around my legs, and place my chin on my knee.

I reach into the passenger glove compartment and pull out a polaroid. A thick white border surrounds a black and white picture. I look down and am greeted with a smiling girl, holding a cupcake with pink frosting smeared across her lips. A man and woman are on both sides of her, posing for the photo. A single tear drops onto the middle. I’m almost unrecognizable and I already know little me would be very disappointed. I’m the person I swear I would never become.

After Life

The lady finally looks up as soon as I answer. She begins to frown. “It’s despairing to say you are not the youngest I’ve dealt with today.”

She looks back down, focusing her attention on her computer screen. “Most people don't remember how they die, which I think is for the better,” she innocently laughs, “Do you recall?”

I close my eyes and try to remember the last few moments of my life.

Earth

I shove the picture into the compartment and shut it closed. I turn the car on and begin to back up. I leave the parking garage and drive onto the empty roads. It’s only around midnight at this point, but the streets are still very busy. I don't have any other place to go tonight, I don't feel like facing my mom again tonight.

My parents divorced when I was middle school, so they both have separate houses. I have a room at my dad’s house but I haven't been there since he passed away. Most of his belongings have been packaged away but he brought his memorable items with him to his hospital room. I can’t go home, not now. I keep driving, applying more pressure on the gas pedal as I travel further.

After Life

“I got in a car accident,” I mumble. I realize I’m slightly ashamed of how I died.

When I was little I was always curious as to how my last moments would be sent, and I'm not so sure she would be satisfied with my ending.

“Do you remember if you killed anyone else,” the woman says this calmly, startling me. She senses this and rephrases her question.

“Well I need to know just what to put in our system. It's required for me to ask, so we can determine if you’re deserving to go to heaven.”

“I didn't,” I say sternly, I’m nervous she has the wrong idea of me. I'm not that horrible of a person.

Earth

My heart rate increases as the speed of my car does too. I apply more force onto the pedal. My mind is full of thoughts, but I don't want to think anymore. I shut my eyes and lift up my hand. I squeeze my eyes together, so I only see black. My ears start ringing, even though the car is filled with complete silence. Tears start to form, but I don't let them fall. Suddenly the black I see is now white. The ringing stops, with silence replacing it.

I feel myself float out of my body. I can see my body, laying on the road with glass tracing the outside of my lifeless body. My car crashed into a power line off to the side of the lane. The same car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday.

After Life

“That's nice to hear,” she says this like that's all that matters. I think she's forgetting I died too.

“Yeah, it is,” I respond, looking down. I play with my chipped white nail polish.

“Well then I guess you can pass through. Behind the podium is a door, which leads towards heaven. Make sure to enter to the left one, you don’t want to walk through the wrong door.

It's pretty hard to miss,” she laughs and gets up out of her chair. When she gets up, another flight of stairs is revealed, where she was once blocking.

“Wait,” I say suddenly, “You think I’m a good person?”

“No, no I don't.”

Earth

The hospital room smells of death and sadness. A bright light provides the only sort of vibrance in my room. I move my fingers, as it's the only thing I can feel at this point. Blue tiled walls and tan curtains surround me. I've only been in this room for less than five minutes but I wish I was already dead.

Nurses circled around me, as well as my mom. I don't remember what happened directly after the accident. I assume someone called an ambulance and someone called my mom. The thing I’m surprised about most is that she showed up.

“It’s alright sweety, just hang in there. We’re getting you all the help we can. Everythings going to be okay,” by the tone of my mothers voice I don't fully believe it. She's sitting on a tool pulled up beside my bed.

My mom squeezes my hand, and when she realizes blood is covering her palm. I looked down at my body from the hospital bed, my head propped up with three pillows. I don't recognize myself. I'm wrapped in a blanket but I can still see crimson spots along the blanket.

I lift up my hand and hold my cheek. I have bandages wrapped around my chin and nose. Blood is in between my finger nails and in my hair. My mom lays her head on my lap and I immediately flinch. My stomach feels raw and it burns with the slightest movement.

I muster up the strength to say one last thing.

“Mom, I’m sorry,” I start crying even harder, “I’m a bad person..”

She interrupts me, “Please don’t say that,” she starts pleading, “You're so amazing and you are so important to my life and your fathers. Promise me to never say that again.”

“I promise.”

She holds my hand again, this time harder. My eyes start to close, blood dripping down my eyebrow. As they close, nurses come rushing in. They all pay close attention to my monitor, as my pulse weakens. The last thing I see is my mom wrapping her arms around my waist. I can see her lips open and close, as she mumbles unrecognizable words. My head is now quiet, and my sight goes white.

After Life

“So you don't think I’m a good person,” I replied.

“Yes, I truly don't think you're a good person,” she says again, this time each word cutting me deeper than the one before.

“I’m not going to disagree with you. I know I’m a bad person.”

“There’s no such thing as a bad person, just a person who often does bad things. On Earth you were cruel and selfish, not caring about anyone else. Although you were going through your own obstacles, you were an obstacle for almost everyone else in your life too. This is what makes you a person who does bad things.”

“Then why am I going to heaven?” I finally ask.

“Because everyone deserves a second chance, and I really wish you would have felt the same way on Earth. If only you could have seen that second chances are important, you most likely would have turned out differently.”

I’m completely speechless.

“I’m not going to lie to you and say you were a good person but the most important thing is that you can clearly see that and admit to yourself.”

I smile. I’m not pleased with myself and am confident I never will be, but I’m improving.

“You can pass by. So as long as you can promise me to try..”

“I promise.”